Scott and her family lived in various places in Canada and England. She and her younger sister spent much of their time with nannies and babysitters, since their parents were often traveling. As a girl, the author was known in her household for her “hysterical meltdowns,” generally stemming from an intense fear of being alone. She recalls that the therapists she saw didn’t seem to have an answer to explain her unpredictable emotions. Her parents eventually sent her to a boarding school in England, which only amplified her fear of abandonment. The growing teenager also sought the warmth of others’ approval and physical affection. Since she got neither of those from her parents, she settled for the approval of boys, even if they were objectifying her. Things certainly didn’t improve once she left school. Because of her mental conditions, she recalled that she had trouble holding down jobs—in one case, her severe anxiety prevented her from being “approachable and friendly” enough to appease her boss. Relationships likewise didn’t last long, and she struggled with letting go after breakups. Scott was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder to add to a “growing list” of conditions, including PTSD from a near-tragedy she experienced later in life. As time rolled on, she married and had children. But she recounts that those disorders didn’t merely go away, and her mental state remained a “constant battle” that she continued to endure.
Scott’s account is a grim portrayal of what she’s gone through. For example, she recalls that her parents were cold and distant; their actions ranged from chastising her (for something as simple as dropping a glass) to physically abusing her. The author pulls no punches in revealing things that she’s done, even when it entailed stalking or lying about an illness. Her frankness is refreshing, and readers shouldn’t be surprised when this memoir creeps into dark territory (including a sexual kink that many won’t be accustomed to). Scott’s descriptions of what unfolds in her mind constitute the book’s most illuminating parts: “I was becoming numb. I felt like my soul, now disconnected, floated above me, like I was watching myself from the outside looking in. The alarm bells that were sounding were deafening, and they snuffed out all other logic and reason.” There’s no denying that she has long suffered, but she also recognizes her own shortcomings; she recounts that she usually focused on herself without asking how people whom she’d confided in were doing. Scott also acknowledges that the people she’s encountered—most notably the ones who seemed malicious—may have lived with conditions of their own, like sex addiction. Some happier moments shine through, such as when she describes showcasing her singing and another talent she honed in adulthood. All the while, the book has a clear sense of the changing eras (from the 1990s to the 21st century) and each of the places she’s lived in or visited, such as East London, Los Angeles, and Vancouver.